There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
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she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
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It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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