The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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