Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
