dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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