I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
