Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
