i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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