i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
