I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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