My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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