so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
