I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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