In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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