Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
