After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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