you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
