I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
