I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
