I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
