I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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