her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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