I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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