you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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