I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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