Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
