I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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