you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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