"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
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Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
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When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
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