I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
