i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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