he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
