u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
