If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
