No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
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Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
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i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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