this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
