I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
