Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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