Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
