I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
