I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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