i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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