Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
