maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
