all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
