my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
