Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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