I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
