false alarm. still invincible.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
