I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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