real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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