hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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