How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
