he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
