I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
