buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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