I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
