She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
