I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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